Something that has to do with nothing.

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So, we are going to get a dog.  Not this one, we opted for a much smaller variety.

Tiger, see photo above, happens to be my friend’s dog.  I’m not sure if you read any posts prior to this, but I had a ton of practice with the two greyhounds I had when I was married.  My ex took them as his house and yard is much bigger than my teeny, non-fenced patio apartment.  Do I miss them?  You bet.  But to be very honest, I had always wanted a small dog.  One that didn’t actually try to push me off of the couch or steal all the covers at night.   I tease, I didn’t mind sharing much.

The personal part of my post is where I explain that I had always pushed aside everything I ever wanted to make everyone else in my life happy.  Sure, they may have been little things here and there.  But piles of small things measure up to big things after long periods of time.  After realizing too late that my then-husband and I didn’t have the same goals in life, among many other things, I finally made the decision to make some very necessary changes.

Most people expect change.  Most people expect their significant others to change.  Marriage, Babies, Careers, First Time Home-buying, Funerals…these are all major life altering events that many families go through.  And at each one of these points and any other time really, one person changes and the other one does not.  The sad truth is, unless both parties are changing and growing together, it can lead to a lot of resentment and disappointment. My case was very unique.  Different.  And not any smarter than the above party mentioned, waiting for their others change to come.

I chose to try to change myself in order to fit relationship I was in.

How crazy is that, huh?  Pretending to be someone you really aren’t. You guys must think I am completely psycho. But I truly thought my needs were insignificant and selfish. I truly thought I could be everything this person needed to be even though this was not who I really was. A small example. When we had first been married, we both came as package deals.  Me with a 7-year-old-going-on-15 son and him with a 98lb. extremely hairy, German Shepherd/Greyhound mix named Oswald. And we made it work. When Oswald passed of old age, the house seemed too empty, so soon after we began the discussion of what breed of dog to get next. And of course, I gave in. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them, they were the best dogs I ever had. But it seemed like I was always giving in. Always putting my wants aside to allow others to have their way. As sweet and as kind as that sounds, I started to resent it, because it wasn’t being reciprocated. And after a long while, you start to feel stupid. What in the world have I been doing to myself? How long did this need to go on before you realized people were walking all over you? Taking advantage of you? Taking you for granted? Where is your sense of self-worth? I thought the silly things that really meant something to me, I didn’t really need to survive.  Isn’t that what love is? Putting others ahead of yourself, even when your wants don’t seem to matter.  Please understand that this is an extremely small piece of a much much bigger puzzle. No, I did not separate from my husband over a choice of dog.

So.

I am rescuing a Yorkie. I have already put in the application and have already spoken with the foster parents. I am serving myself, thank you very much. I hope that there is a future man for me out there who won’t mind having a Son and a Yorkie as a package deal someday.

Realizing that these shots don’t have anything to do with my past marriage or my newly soon-to-be adopted Yorkie, I don’t care. Here is another picture of Tiger. Have a nice day. 😛

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The Dam

Dusted off the camera yesterday.  I missed it, and had to take it out for a beautiful stroll at my favorite park.  It was a gorgeous day, a little overcast, but still very warm.  I don’t mind the humidity much, so long as my car has the AC to come back to.

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I tried my hand at a slow shutter speed with no tripod.  It’s not exactly tack sharp, but not too shabby, I think.  I love this view of the Dam.  It’s water is so nasty because of all the rain we had gotten last week, but honestly, it’s always been murky.  But the walking trails, and the trees, and listening to the birds are worth the dirty water.

I always feel like my posts are kind of depressing.  I am always so down on myself because I can’t seem to get back on track with my 365.  I apologize.  I seem to be going through a tough time at the moment.  But if you will allow me to dump on you….

Have you ever just wanted to run away from life?  Just run to see how far you can get, and then run even further?  Leave everything about your life behind, assume a new identity, see if you can start fresh and do things differently?  Obviously this isn’t a very responsible thing to do, but some days I wish I could just…..run.  Some days I think life likes to play its cruel jokes on me and then kick me for good measure.   Ugh, sorry for being such a debbie downer, I promise I am not usually like this.  Sometimes I feel like the only way to vent is through typing to complete strangers who don’t really know me, or know the gory details about my life and there seems to be something so therapeutic about hearing the clack-clacking of the keys against my fingernails.  Or the fact that if I am feeling better, I can just hit the delete key and pretend this never existed.  As selfish as this may sound, I don’t write this for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me.  As a matter of fact, I’m not really sure if I really care if anyone actually reads this or views my pictures.  I write and I shoot for me, because in a lifetime of pure misery with a few bright spots, I have to force myself to find somewhere to vent or find something that brings me joy or I’ll just scream.  Scream until nothing comes out and I’m not sure my neighbors would appreciate that very much being that it is after midnight.  I have gone into this blog with absolutely no expectations, so every like and every comment and every follow is that little ray of sunshine seeping through.  Thank you friends, for bringing some light to this very dark soul.

I think I chose photography as my avenue because I feel like it is the one part of my life that I can control.  I haven’t mastered all that these brilliant machines have to offer, but I can manipulate settings, and fire test shots until I get the exact picture I am looking for.  Then I can busy myself with uploading it into my editing program and there I can unlock all of the options to make it just how I want it to be.  What colors I want to mute or enhance, where I want to focus to be, and if it isn’t sharp enough well, lucky me, my software comes with a sharpen slider to where I can make it look sharper than it really is.  (Although I am sure, if you zoomed in, you could totally tell!)

Sorry for the rant tonight, it’s just been one of those millenniums.

I truly hope you and your families have a wonderful 4th. ❤

-K